Romney to Resign Because Tax Payers Have No Money Left to Steal
Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) announced that he will not be seeking re-election because there is no taxpayer money left to steal in the struggling economy.
"The only reason I got into politics was to rip off the American People and to get as rich as possible," Romney told reporters outside of one of his many mansions. "But with Americans struggling to make ends meet, I was barely able to scrape together enough money to buy a new private jet. I almost had to choose between the jet and my new yacht."
The Senator said that he is not the only one suffering from the poor economic conditions in the United States and that many of his fellow politicians are also having trouble putting $32,000 bottles of wine on the table in their guest houses.
"It's not that we can't afford it," he explained. "But if we do not see a potential for future embezzlement of tax dollars for the long-term future, we will have to cut back on certain necessities like white truffles and beluga caviar for our mid-day soirées."
Asked what he will do next, Romney speculated that perhaps there was room for him in the private sector, where he could siphon pre-tax money from working-class employees.
Note: An earlier version of this article referred to Senator Romney as a Democrat. This has since been corrected after we were correctly informed that he is actually a grade-A dweeb.